We Want Marriage Equality – We Need Your Help
Several years ago, I started a management position with a huge, global corporation in the financial arena. Before I even had a chance to fully settle into the new job, it was time for a team building event. Oh, yay.
My unit’s other managers and I – 7 people in total, I think – spent the afternoon bowling, courtesy of our manager. She was a go-getter among go-getters – the kind of person who’s dead-set on winning at all costs, in the office and at the bowling alley. The event wrapped up at a local pub, where we ate burgers and wisely refrained from booze while chatting about life. Being the new guy, I was fresh meat so – hopped up on Diet Coke – endured a barrage of questions from my new team.
It was a Friday. It was fun. I would have rather spent the day in the office.
First thing Monday morning, my boss – let’s call her Gina – swung by my desk to let me know that she wanted to “chat for a few minutes.” She guided me past the cubes of my clearly concerned employees to one of the meeting rooms that lined the perimeter of the floor. As I sat down, I watched her twist the wand that closes the blinds and, as if to attract attention, makes curious onlookers even more agog.
In my first couple of months at the company, I quickly learned that closing the blinds was a huge non-verbal scare tactic around there. If the conversation was serious, the blinds got closed. Period. Rather than first thinking about myself, I imagined that my team of about 25 employees was d-y-i-n-g to know what was going on.
Hell if I knew.
My first months with the team had been noteworthy only for my quick assimilation and early results – so I had been told in my one-on-ones.
The meeting became a blur very fast. After reminding me how “great it was to have me on the team,” Gina warned me to watch what I say. She said something about it being a conservative environment, and that people without conservative values don’t go far. Before attacking the rest of her Monday with her usual power-broker vengeance, she tried to dull the blow by chattering about a great week ahead and my certain contribution to that. I don’t fully remember.
She left. I sat. In that stupid, small room with the blinds closed. My team imagining, I’m sure, that I was trying to repair myself emotionally from whatever had happened.
The truth is that I was pissed. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had mentioned Caanan at our team event. Just as everyone else had talked about his/her significant other, I had too. Appropriately – probably overly so. I was the only person called out for it.
My boss threatened my employment because I am gay. Her actions were upheld by the company and legal in this country. When will this kind of thing stop?
My experience is just one small example – and we have many between the two of us alone – of the kind of stuff that goes on day after day. As we’ve said before…
All over the globe, people are – by law – imprisoned or executed on the basis of their sexual orientation. In our own communities, people are injured, threatened, killed, denied jobs, and treated as second-class citizens for the same reason. It happens in your country, your state and in your town.
We don’t give gay rights a lot of airtime around here. Today, we are asking you to help us. When we’re not on the road, Washington State is our home base (in case you’ve missed us bragging about it!). This November, Washington residents will be voting on whether or not Caanan and I should have the right to marry.
To us, this isn’t about the institution of marriage as much as it’s about equality. We want the same choice that others have. It’s about hospital visitation rights, financial security and equality in the workplace. Even more than that, it’s about dignity. It’s about being fully accepted as a committed couple doing the best we can to live a good life and to contribute to a better world.
You can help in the following ways:
1) Share this post.
2) Use your website, Facebook and Twitter to urge Washington State voters (and the nation!) to support R74
3) Learn more about Equal Rights Washington and Marriage Equality USA – you’ll be all prepared when the issue comes to your state / country.
Love is love. We’re just like you, and we’d appreciate your help.
I bet you’re wondering what happened at that job. Well, when you can’t bring all of you to whatever you do, your wellness gets out of whack and things don’t go so great. Things got worse. However, I didn’t let her dim my light, and I got the hell out of that job as quickly as my less evolved self could (I have some good stories about that – let’s discuss over a drink). And Gina? As we also said last week, if you try to be closed off and superhuman, things don’t go so well either. Gina eventually had a breakdown and went out on medical leave. Turns out she was a closeted lesbian.
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UPDATE: Many people have e-mailed expressing disbelief that discrimination based on sexual orientation can (still) occur in the workplace. See some of our replies to comments (below) to learn just how alive and well this kind of discrimination is.
Big sigh.
I’m sad that in 2012 we are still talking about these issues instead of them being reality.
To me this isn’t about gay rights, or gay marriage, or the gay agenda. It’s about basic civil rights that belong inherently to everyone. It’s bad enough that people think we need to vote on them (seriously? you don’t vote on civil rights, they just are), but I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to fight the fight every single day.
I’m with you guys – and hope that finally, in November, you’ll have the equality that is so long overdue.
Everything Mary Jo said. x 1000
Living in San Francisco and NYC for the past several years, my naive assumption was that the world has become a much more accepting place of all things deemed “different” (whether religion, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.). And then I moved back to the South–where I feel like people are inherently good and not necessarily filled with hate, but rather tainted by the viewpoints enforced upon them by a handful of religious zealots–and realized I have actually been living in a bubble for much of my 20s.
As more of my friends are gay than not, I’m constantly baffled that Scott and I were able to marry and they/you are not. How are we any different/more privileged?
@MJ So happy you introduced the absurdity of voting on civil rights.
That’s why the “dignity” part of all of this is of paramount importance to us. Other people voting on our ability to have equality? What?
@C&C That makes us so happy that you 2 are back in the South, modeling openness and acceptance
1. It’s fucking ridiculous (yes, this requires profanity) that you should be pleading for votes for a civil right. It’s discrimination and I am DEAD against it, IT IS WRONG that *I* should be voting that you get stuff I get by default.
2. That said, YOU TOTALLY HAVE MY VOTE.
3. Stop wrecking my marriage, you guys.
4. I adore you both.
Well, Pam, someone had to get really mad around here, and we couldn’t have asked for a better person to do just that!
I agree with both Pam & MJ above. I also recall the “one man/one woman” idiots talking about how marriage was all about procreating, which means that the husband & I – along with every other hetero couple that doesn’t have kids – aren’t really married, either.
Bottom line – don’t wanna marry someone of the same sex? Then don’t. But I fail to see how that gives you the right to tell someone ELSE they can’t. I really wish I could vote in Washington…
Plus I’d like to add that – seriously? – you guys have been together longer than MORE THAN HALF THE HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES I KNOW. So, umm, that business about the sanctity of marriage being only when it’s a man & a woman? Yeah, I call bullshit on that one.
We love that commenters, like you, are saying all of the other things we wanted to say (but refrained so as to avoid a 10,000 word post). Thanks for making our job easier.
Also, after reading your *wonderful* comment, your link for “Sara’s Famous Gin and Tonic” is looking pretty good.
This time last week I sat around a Shabbat table eating a meal made by my best gay boyfriends. Also there: my best gay girlfriends. And half of the couple of my second-best gay girlfriends. Those three couples, exactly nine years ago last Friday, all went to Victoria to get married because British Columbians had the good sense to legalize it. It was one of the best weekends of my life. So much love, so much hope, with those three couples – all of whom are still married, all still going strong.
Also around that table – straight married couples. Singletons. And Sweetie and I who are not married, but who have a choice.
I want so much for those couples that I love (and other couples like you) to have this right.
The thing I love most about this comment is that you get into integration. People used to assume that we must prefer to hang out with other gay people (because only they could understand our life). We all just want to hang out with – and support – decent, kind, loving people.
I am sad that this post even has to be written. It’s 2012, we should be so far beyond this point right now. I could go into a very long rant right now but I won’t. Let’s just say that I would love to drop a few words my mother wouldn’t approve of and I agree with those who posted above me.
I retweeted this and am posting it on my Facebook as well. I’ll do the same thing tomorrow. I hope that November brings a positive result and hope more than anything that in the near future, this will all be a non-issue – for you, for my best friend, and for everyone in general.
Thanks for your support and for getting the word out, Sky.
Hey Guys,
I’m Australian (otherwise I would absolutely vote yes!), and we’re facing the same discrimination over there. At least you guys have a President who believes in equality! Wishing you all the best of luck! Today is ‘Wear it Purple’ day in Aus, which is against discrimination and bullying on the basis of sexuality.
Thanks, Sarah – we appreciate it!
Frustrating, isn’t it? We lived in California during the whole Prop 8 assault on humanity. If people would just remove their religious beliefs from this civil right, it would let them see this for what it is.
Religion is problematic in this regard. I can’t tell you how many people say things like “I love you guys, but this issue conflicts with what my church says.” The notion of blindly following anything – including a religion – has got to stop. We all need to think critically and mindfully about what’s best for us, our communities and humanity at large.
Canada and the US are so similar but its issues like this that show how different the two cultures really are, I cannot imagine why anyone would not support this.
My fingers are crossed for you.
Here you go, making us want to move up to Canada. Exactly how big is your studio apartment? Imagine all the green smoothie fun we’d have
Hi guys,
we so wish we could help you out with voting but we are from Canada, where gay marriage is legal.
Love is love. We support you 100%. We even made sure that the officiant that married us married same sex couples as well, as we did not want to be married by someone who would deprive anyone of love and freedom.
When will this madness end?!
Thanks… we feel the love heading south!
Thanks for writing about this and for the call to action. It’s so incredibly important for all of us.
Being gay and from Texas, there’s so much that frustrates me about the conservative culture in this state. Unless something is done soon at the federal level I don’t see much chance of equality reaching a lot of the states anytime too soon.
Texas is a tough one for this sort of thing. No wonder you’re traveling
I agree, this is 2012 and we are still talking about ‘human right’. It’s sad. Good luck with the voting. Hope a lot of people will read this and think about what they can do.
I love the ending; that she was a closed case. Wow.
I know, isn’t that the most surprising – yet somehow unsurprising ending – you can imagine.
You know I am ashamed to say that I didn’t realize it wasn’t illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. I just always assumed it was… and you know what they say about assuming. You guys do an excellent job of giving a simple yet chilling example of why this is an incredibly important issue.
I’m registered to vote in New York State otherwise I’d be all over that poll!
Alex – so glad you brought this point up because I’m sure many people are as surprised as you are.
The big problem is that there is currently no Federal protection for people who endure this kind of discrimination in the workplace.Even worse, such legislation has been introduced every year (or close to it) and failed every time.
In truth, the first line of defense in all thing employment here in the USA comes at the State level. If you can believe it, only about half of the states protect people from such discrimination.
And finally, equally as disturbing is the fact that many employers refuse to include sexual orientation in their discrimination clauses.
I find it incredibly heart warming that so many people are “giving their vote”. However when it comes down to it, it only matters if you’re there, turning in the ballot.
Don’t just talk, or pledge… vote.
Very true. In this specific case, though, many readers don’t live in Washington State. However – to your point – we each need to vote when these types of things appear on the ballot.
You both have my full support — As someone who once, for my own complete lack of understanding and ignorance, did not support gay marriage, I have been doing everything within my power the past 10 years to make sure my support of equal rights is crystal clear.
Thanks for your comment and for your change of heart, Rob!
Your closing about Gina, PRICELESS, only because I know you well enough Kent to hear you saying it in your voice and with that knowing sideways wink. Yet as funny as your delivery is, the whole thing is sad.
It’s sad that, as MJ said, in 2012 we STILL have to even worry about this. It’s sad that Gina felt she couldn’t be herself. We’re evolved beings who still see a hierarchy of sex and race and other issues that have no business being classifications of treatment. Equal rights for all. Period.
Have always done what I can to help with this issue, will continue to do so. Now, with greater passion because I know people like you two. People who love each other and others in the way all of us should. You’re great examples my loves.
Thanks for saying that, Kirsten. It means a lot.
This story is much better in person – especially that ending. And wait until you hear the in-between stuff. Have a drink ready.
Hey, guys!
I already pointed this out in the Reddit thread that lead me to this blog, but since you’re located in Washington State, what your employer did to you is absolutely illegal.
RCW 49.160.180:
It is an unfair practice for any employer:
…
(2) To discharge or bar any person from employment because of age, sex, marital status, sexual orientation, race, creed, color…
The Washington State Human Rights Commission also has an FAQ on the subject (http://www.hum.wa.gov/faq/FAQSexualOrientation3.html):
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Full equality is the only right result, of course (and I can’t wait to see it happen in November!), but until the rest of the country catches up, you and your partner are much better off here than so many other states.
So glad that you brought this up, Drew.
I’ll expand on what I said to Alex in a previous comment.
This situation occurred prior to any statewide protection – and it wasn’t that long ago. Only in the last few years (5-ish) have Oregon and Washington, for example, passed such legislation. Such discrimination is still legal in 29 (I think) states. Can you believe it!
Glad you left the job, companies like this don’t deserve anybody to make them thrive with their own labor and fatigue.
Well put!
Agree with most posters above, and in particular Lane. I think a huge reason why the U.S. is unlike Canada or many European countries is the sway organized religion still has. And while there are certainly some Protestant sects that embrace equal marriage rights for all, most Southern Baptists, evangelicals, Catholics etc. do not. I hope we become more like Canada in this and several other ways.
We have a lot more to say on this topic. Earlier in the year, we went to a conference to examine the topic from this angle. Sometime, after we’ve put everything together, we’ll share what we learned.
I’m saddened by the lack of laws to protect gay people in the US, period. Consenting adults should be able to date, marry, divorce, adopt… you get my drift.
Yes! All of it! Again, for us, it’s about the choice and the dignity.
I, like the many others here, am shaking my head why this is still an issue. Love is Love, perfectly said.
Thanks for your support, Pete!
Yep, sad (and frustrating) indeed. I’ll be voting “Approve” this November.
(BTW, I think I saw you guys out running earlier today, across the Admiral Bridge. Thought about waving, but figured you’d wonder who’s the crazy guy in the window!
)
Thank you, Mike. And thanks, too, for validating publicly that we exercise
I live in Seattle and will absolutely be voting to approve R74. It’s not even a question. As you said so well and simply, love is love.
Thanks, Krista!
I truly hope voters come out in your state this year and give you both the right to marry. And though this should not even be an issue in 2012, you should not have to fight this battle over what is an inherent right, your light, enthusiasm, and positivity are a wonderful voice for this movement.
Aw thanks, Shannon. That means a lot. You have a lot of work you can do down there in Florida
We always have your back guys. While we may not be there, we do support our local community. We will be sending good thoughts your way!
*high fives*
Wowow. That is truly repugnant. Geez, sometimes I am so naive. I often get weary of the superficialty of the fashion/magazine/retail world of my job, and retreat so faithfully during my off time. But at least we actually live in 2012 when it comes to these kinds of things. I find it so disturbing and hard to believe, stories like this. I can’t believe it’s real! Someday… Again, I’m babbling… Doesn’t seem real.
And this wasn’t that long ago…. and it still happens with alarming frequency.
I’m sad to share a country with the hatemongers known as the Tea Party. Their masquerading around as ideal-minded Christians is even more offensive.
I went to a small, conservative Christian college in the Midwest and three years in loathed the place an all it ‘stood’ for. Different was bad, and group-thinking was the way things were done. We said ‘Don’t judge lest ye be judged’ out of one side of our mouths, but passed judgement on everyone out the other side.
How dare anyone try to legislate who you love? I’m getting angry even thinking about how preposterous that idea is.
A couple of things here…
1) Group think = big problem. As I said to Lane in a previous comment, the idea of “you are part of this religion so this is how you vote” is shameful.
2) We didn’t have particularly harsh feelings for the Tea Party (they were merely in the bubble of people “on the other side”) until – to really see what the other side believes in – we went to an official Tea Party event in Washington DC. It was a big event – even Michelle B was there. Anyhow, it was the most hate filled gathering of people we have ever witnessed. It was alarming.
That’s pretty jaw dropping that your boss would be so open about telling you that you needed to censor yourself. My fingers are crossed for a good result in Washington and, soon, the rest of the US.
Thanks, Emily!
You know you have my full support on this, gentleman! I feel very lucky to be a UK citizen where my rights aren’t infringed upon because of my sexuality and I often scratch my head when I look at what is going on in the USA, and wonder where it all went so very, very wrong.
As for your old boss – well, what goes around comes around.
Thanks, Tom. Don’t be scared to visit, though, this place still rocks.
UGH. I hate that you even have to write something like this in 2012. Will do everything I can to show my support. I adore you both.
Shocking, isn’t it, how others care so much about YOUR private life? Two of our very best friends are gay and so we have seen them experience similar type of situations and it’s horrifying to me each time. We’re in Oregon so can’t vote for your state, but we’ll certainly spread the word..it’s about equality and nothing else! Keep on fighting!
It’s sad that you guys are still facing this. Canada included “sexual orientation” in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms long before gay marriage was legalized — folks realized discrimination is discrimination even if they didn’t agree with the definition of “spouse”.
I was not expecting that last sentence! I really feel for you guys. I truly believe that people will come around soon. As soon as California gets its shit together, hopefully the other states will follow.
Don’t care if it makes me a bad person…. I laughed at the last line of the post.
It really upset me when Ohio passed the anti-gay marriage law a few years ago. Although Columbus is very gay-friendly (and I think that applies to businesses too), most of the state is rural and there is still so much fear and ignorance. The positive thing I have noticed is that more and more companies are providing benefits for partners. But still such a long way to go.
I will never understand why people care so much about what other people do when it in no way affects them.
A lot of it is based on fear, isn’t it? Thanks for fighting the good fight in Ohio
David and I always joke and say we won’t get married until everyone can. I am shocked that it has even taken this long. I 100% support equal rights ESPECIALLY when it comes to marriage! You could not have said it any better…. LOVE IS LOVE…. and I love you guys! You have my vote, my support and my word that I will spread the information.
Thanks, Meg. You two are modern – you sound like the Pitt-Jolie family (no marriage until we can all get married).
I hope this passes in Washington, and then spreads down here to Oregon. It is ridiculous in this country that some people think they have the right to put other people’s civil rights up for a vote. That’s egregious enough without all the added insults of not having guaranteed hospital visits (If I were in the hospital, I would definitely want my family barging in without having to show papers!) or not being able to really plan your financial security, or not enjoying the simple pleasure of saying at a party: “I’d like you to meet my husband.”
Yep, the voting thing is such a hard point for us to get past. Thanks for your support.
I read this from my phone when you first published it and it’s just too annoying to leave more than a one line comment from a phone.
It’s so sad that stuff like this still happens. I can’t believe how many people, who aren’t even affected by whether or not a gay couple gets married, continue to fight against equality that should be unquestionable. There are a handful of countries where it is legal, and it’s insane for the US (most states anyway) to be so far behind.
I have no doubt that it will be legal for you two to get married in any state in the US within our lifetime. It’s inevitable really, and the sooner people realize that and just get over their horrible prejudices, the better off we will all be.
If you ever feel like having your birth certificates translated into German, come get married here
Seriously though, great post!
Thanks, Ali – appreciate your thoughts.
That behaviour from your former boss was disgusting. I hope the law changes soon to allow you the option to get married. The discriminations that still exist in this world are shocking.
We feel positive about things and anxiously await November 6th. Thanks for your support.
We have some important propositions (different issues) on the ballot this year in California, too, and it makes me sad that we even have to vote about these things (I sometimes wish the government would stand up and make positive changes without asking the people if it’s OK). My heart aches for you that you had to endure such a situation in that job…and for all people who have to endure such discrimination. Any idea how it looks for this passing in WA?
It’s received a lot of support and $$$, so we think it looks good. But still too close for our liking.
I wish I saw this post earlier. How did the elections turn out in Washington? We’ve had same sex marriage in Canada since 2005 and I can’t understand why America doesn’t get with it! It angers me that you have to go through this still, today. It sickens me when I watch American politics and see that this is an issue. What right does anyone have to judge two consenting adults? When I hear about people in loving long and lasting relationships who have no rights when it comes to hospitalization or death or finances because the law won’t give them equal rights, I’m infuriated. I can’t imagine what you must have felt. I am impressed that you two can always remain so positive. You are role models who are making a difference by showing how happy you are and what a positive healthy relationship you have.
Thanks, Deb – that’s really nice of you. We are happy to report that Washington State passed the initiative, so we have marriage equality in one more state. I think we’re up to 7. Woohoo! We won’t stop until 50