The Toxic Trio
If you want your life to change, you have to change your life.
Before rejiggering our world, we did a lot of dreaming without taking oodles of action. Inaction is a sad reality, and it’s the reason why many people remain perpetually unfulfilled. You want to change, but you have no idea what to do. We, too, had the same struggle initially.
So here we are, back back in Seattle, catching up with everyone before turning around and leaving again. The other day, we had breakfast with a couple of friends who were fixated on talking about a bruised relationship with some horrible “friends” (as our friends referred to them).
First, anyone who treats you badly is not a friend. Second, talking about this over a two hour breakfast quickly reminded us that positive change isn’t just about gaining. It’s also about losing. To create room for the next great thing in your life, you have to be willing to let go. That applies to stuff (which we’ve gotten into) and people. Make space for change by eliminating toxic relationships. Save the noxious for Yellowstone National Park.
We aim to keep soul-killing people far, far away. Energy vampires can somehow manage to suck the life-force out of anything and can make a day a lot more difficult than it needs to be. Here are the three types of people – the toxic trio – that we try to steer clear of. Oh, and we’re not talking about a person who is having a rough day or, perhaps, letting off some steam. We’re talking about those people who – when you really tune into their overall vibe – are not the type who will bring much good to a situation or your life.
The Bully
This person usually takes a loud, direct, “you’ve got it all wrong” attitude. On the surface, bullies seem easy to spot, but that’s not always the case. A clever bully oftentimes disguises unhelpful energy by playing the expert. This person rallies the troops or gets what he wants by acting like he has seen it all and has therefore implicitly earned the right to be abrupt and abrasive. A really clever bully will often hide behind an often-intriguing layer of sarcastic humor.
Don’t be fooled. Expertise and experience are great, but pay attention to the energy behind the message.
The Negatron
Here again, it seems simple to recognize a negative person. But think for a moment about the people in your life who live in this state of being. People who – when you think about it – are always nay-sayers who perpetually see the glass as half empty. We love us a strong contrarian but not someone who can’t turn a critical viewpoint into an idea or a possibility.
When you leave a Negatron, you don’t feel energized. Stay away from these people.
The Complainer
Many times, a Complainer is a hybrid Bully/Negatron. They love to find fault but, somehow, can’t manage to turn it into something constructive. They like to eschew proactivity and instead wallow.
A vigorous critique is great, but not if it isn’t, ultimately, coming from a constructive place.
For some reason, gravity pulls so many humans (like the friends we had breakfast with) towards paying more attention to people operating in these modes. Let’s all commit to stay the hell away from the toxic trio and, instead, align ourselves with interesting, proactive and supportive people. It starts with each of us.
To attract positive and constructive people, you have to be a positive and constructive person.
Great post to start my Friday and my first day of June here in Korea with, gents.
I knew one guy who was a bully, here in Korea. He thought he was amazing, and expected everyone to follow suit. One girl who was new here didn’t immediately kiss his ass, so he wrote on her co-worker’s Facebook wall, “I bet you couldn’t find a single guy in this country who’d **** her for $100,” knowing full well what the fall-out would be.
I stood up to him, was quickly excluded from the “friendship” group, and nasty rumours were spread about me that affected my relationships with my real friends. I could’ve understood a bit more if the guy who was doing it was 18/19, but he was in his mid-30s. He’s since left Korea after alienating everyone in Daegu (where I used to live),then subsequently doing the same to people at his next job in Busan, and last I heard, was in Japan.
Anyway there’s my story for Friday! The point? You guys are TOTALLY right about avoiding people who have a toxic energy. I’m not Mary Sunshine 24/7 by any means but I hope I don’t fall into any of these categories. Bullies are the worst – people need to realise it’s not just a problem at schools, and adult bullies do exist. Avoid like the plague.
Tom, it’s amazing how much that description matches a guy I know here in Korea too. If the age description and location were the same, I’d think we knew the same person! lol
Some people just have issues. Glad we’re both rid of our problem people!
Thanks for sharing, Tom. So much to respond to here.
First off…. the fallout from relationships with toxic people can be staggering, as is the case in your example. In the case of our friends (who we were having breakfast with), the drama caused by their toxic friends is unbelievable. The attention – even just the mental attention – that we can give to toxic people is mind boggling. If only we all gave such attention and mind-share to people that treat us decently
Next… interesting that you mention social media. The number of Facebook/Twitter brawls out there is embarrassing. That toxic people have such a hold over people is bad enough. Throw social media antics into the mix and it’s exponentially more disturbing. Not long ago, we had a friend crying on our shoulders because another friend was attempting to “ruin her” via social media. Interestingly, our friend couldn’t quite accept the idea of letting this person go.
So, yes, part of getting “clear” in life – and a big part of our path, for sure – involves eliminating toxic people and their oppressive energy.
“Make space for change by eliminating toxic relationships.” – I’m a big believer in this. It’s sad to walk away but sometimes it’s the best thing for both people.
Amen, brother.
I once dated a negatron. It was tough because he was such a sweet guy, and at the beginning most relationships always look so wonderful. But after a few months when things became more “normal” I realized how negative he was, due to his own lack of confidence and self esteem, and there was nothing I could do to help him. Eventually I had to break it off because he was bringing me down and I couldn’t handle it. Obviously I was supposed to be with Andy anyway! I totally agree with you, sometimes you really need to reevaluate some of the people in your life and just cut ties if the relationship is doing you more harm than good.
Interesting, Ali. Before writing this post (after breakfast with those friends), we were talking about how we’ve each had friends that fall firmly in 1 (or more!) of these slots. Funny thing is…. you often don’t see it right away. It’s as if you have to have those moments – when you purposefully take inventory – to evaluate who “fits” with your life and who doesn’t.
A great post. I think all of us know people like this. Depending on my mood, I can be one of these people (never a bully though). I would love to surround myself with more positive people because I can get really down sometimes (like a little today). So you need the positive people to lift you up and encourage rather than the negative ones to discourage.
Yes, I think it’s easy for anyone to have moments in any of the categories. We’re all human.
As I said to Ali, above – sometimes it takes a pointed assessment to realize “Hey, I have toxic people in my life. People that take a lot of work. And for what?” Totally agree with you, too, that life can be tough… we all need positive, constructive people in our lives.
I actually worked with somebody who could be described as a mixture of all the types you discuss here. You’re right, the only thing you can do for yourself is get as far away as possible from these people. One thing I’ve learnt is: toxic people never change. They are infinitely negative and draining, and often manipulative, and need to be avoided at all costs. Great post!
Thanks, Alison. Ah, yes – the manipulation. I think it’s often the manipulation that makes us feel guilty (whether we know it or not) and that forces us to stay in the relationship.
I’ve heard this stuff before, but always good to hear it again. I tend toward the Complainer myself sometimes. I’ve had times of my life where I wallow without changing things. Then I get so fed up that I make a big change and “break up” with that self. It usually comes back after a while, but learning after several cycles to deal with that aspect and tendency better. In that, I see it more in others and can avoid it as needed.
I’m laughing because we both said the same thing when discussing this post. “We’ve all heard this stuff before. We all know these people exist. Blah blah blah.” But, as we learned over breakfast with our friends, I think we all need a “wake up call” at times in order to fully acknowledge how much energy we can give to toxic people.
At one point (during that breakfast w/ our friends), I said: “I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s obviously taking a big toll on you.” That’s when they had the big realization. One said, “I never really thought of it like that. Look at all of the time and attention we’re giving to these miserable people.”
So, yes, it’s always good to hear.
We know it starts with each individual person. The two of us try hard to be positive and supportive. Always honest when necessary, but in a constructive, helpful way.
So true. I know someone like that. Never truly happy for others when good things happen. The first sentence will be congrats but the follow up is an envy list. I have to laugh when I point out that they too can have this, that, or the other – if they truly apply themselves to the goal and they suddenly can’t talk any longer. No more minutes, driving through a tunnel, girl-scouts at the door. *chuckle*
Great points to live by that you’ve mentioned here.
Oh, that’s funny. Now we’ll know what to think when someone is “out of minutes” and can’t talk
I have met all three types and now fortunately can recognise them so I stay away. I have to because otherwise I find myself turning into them. Behaviour is contagious.
It IS contagious, which is why we have to be equally aware of the vibes we put out there. If only jerks are showing up in your life… well, just maybe, you’re being a jerk.
I’ve worked with many a Negatron in my day. One woman especially comes to mind — if you had a headache, she had a brain tumor. Most days, I actually did wish she had a brain tumor.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond… Don’t even get me started on the Competitron.
A million times yes.
I’ve been criticized for being a selfish jerk for cutting some people out of my life, but my response is so what? If taking care of my own health and well-being makes me a selfish jerk, then I’ll gladly own that title.
Very brave and very admirable.
Amen
Has Abby had to get rid of a toxic person (or two, or three…) in her day
I’ve been trying to do this with certain people for years. There is nothing worse than an energy vampire
Truth!
So true. I think as we get older, we limit our relationships so that we can contribute more to the ones that matter. But it is also important that you get rid of the bad ones too.
It seems so simple but even I have a hard time letting people go from my life even when I know it’s the right thing to do.
What if the Negatron/Complainer is a close family member? Kinda hard to avoid them without risking a Civil War within the family.
We’ll talk ALL about this one day (in Vegas?). For now, let me just say that you have to limit your exposure to these people, family or not. So often it’s family members that are the worst.
Such good advice.
Not to forget about the Narcissist. You know the one who goes on and on about themselves, and yet never seems to listen to a word you say?
Maybe it’s just me but your blog comes up as black background with gray letters and is a little difficult to read.
God. I love this post. The Japanese in me wants to be a pleaser. The American in me knows that the Japanese in me will be taken advantage of in a heartbeat. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of tears to balance myself.
Sometimes I still need to co-exist with the types of people that you described. I’ve accepted them for who they are and make sure that I keep an arms distance away. I don’t get sucked into their drama anymore. When I don’t play, they leave me alone. It only took me the first 30 some odd years of my life to figure that one out!