Couplehood
We get asked all the time how we manage to get along so well as we live, travel and work together all the time.
We’ve been thinking about this topic a lot in the last couple weeks as we’ve dealt with China falling through and the stress associated with rejiggering our travel plans in a big way. The other night, during a stopover on our way to Spain, we had an arguement at a car rental place in the middle of the night. It was about this…
Yes, our big, stupid “last one on the lot” rental car. It makes so much sense to argue about a car at 2:00 a.m., doesn’t it? You know how it goes. At the time, it didn’t seem silly at all.
So, since we’re getting started on a new travel adventure, we thought it’d be a great time to give you our take on couplehood – along with some of the details of our biggest (dumbest) argument ever – via a version of a post that appeared over on Almost Fearless last year.
Breaking Free
We had about the most moronic argument in the history of our relationship on the day that can be best defined as our “breaking free” moment. Tragic, I know.
There we were at the Houston airport, travelers bustling around us, and we were in the middle of a relationship mini-meltdown. Having just connected from Seattle, we were killing time before jumping on the plane that would bring us to our volunteer assignment in Ecuador. We were, of course, excited and (as the argument later proved) a little nervous and tense.
As is the case with most of our scuffles, the one we had on that September day a few years back was born of some ridiculous tit for tat. I think the first blow was something about a passport being housed in an easy-to-steal-from backpack pocket. Yep, the stuff that makes or breaks a relationship. I kid.
The old us.
The truth is that part of the reason we needed a lifestyle makeover is because we barely had the opportunity to talk – much less argue in our “old” world. Navigating our individual and upwardly mobile lives, we were the quintessential ships passing in the night. We’d have to make appointments to have dinner together, and we’d revel in the rare scheduling miracle that allowed us to enjoy, say, an entire Sunday afternoon together at home.
Like many people, we were successful at living life that way. However, things felt perpetually out of sync and difficult to balance. Our relationship was the most important thing to each of us, but we weren’t acting like it. Thus, the dissonance.
A lot of thoughts were running through our heads during that period. Like most people, we believed – on some level – that increasingly responsible jobs would lead to even higher levels of satisfaction and more freedom. You know how it goes…. You have that mental dialogue that tends to repeat the societal beliefs that we’re supposed to buy into. “I’ll have more time when I get that next job.” Stuff like that. Well, we both got plenty of the “next jobs” and a commensurate level of satisfaction never seemed to surface. Go figure.
The transition.
The best news is that through that entire phase, no matter how busy or overwhelmed, we regularly took time to check in on life – to really ponder how we were feeling about things. Taking the time to actually evaluate and think critically about the different dimensions of life prompted us to be brutally honest. Rather than deriving more and more satisfaction from our situations at the time, we were both beginning to realize that we were on predetermined, cookie-cutter paths that weren’t working and, most importantly, weren’t authentically fulfilling.
Our “won’t settle for mediocre” attitude culminated in the perfect sequence of events starting when we took off for a 2-week vacation to run the Paris Marathon and came back with a completely rejiggered life agenda. Taking some time to travel and figure stuff out, we vowed to work towards a life that no longer required a vacation — a life that would be incredible every day. It would be a big leap that would force each of us to lean into a heavy dose of uncertainty.
A strong partnership can be a lot of work. Throw a transition like this into the mix, and even the best relationship can be tested.
Over the next months, leading up to that day in the Houston airport, we learned a lot about ourselves, each other and the kind of relationship and life we wanted to build.
In retrospect, we’re glad that we were never totally on autopilot. We always questioned things and never wanted to be passive about life. No matter how pathetic and stepford-y we may have felt at any given time, we knew something better and more satisfying was ahead.
The new us.
People often ask: “How do you manage to spend so much time together without going crazy?” We’re happy to report that it’s much easier than it was back in those pre-transition days. Now, because we’re both living more fulfilled lives, we’re each more comfortable in our own skin. The more you become who you’re meant to become, the more heart space and understanding you have for your partner and people in general.
But, we’re human. Things get bumpy at times because of the intensity that comes with cultivating big dreams. We know, for the most part, how to navigate those bumps. Plus, it’s helpful that we each have distinct and 100% separate responsibilities/authority when it comes to different dimensions of our life, travel and business.
Travel/transition days are probably among the most difficult. Thus the rental car fight. It was nothing like what went down in Houston, but tough nonetheless.
Speaking of which, we ended up nearly missing that plane to Ecuador. Yes, it’s true. Hyper-aware of all the people around us, we decided to sequester ourselves in a corner of the airport to have it out in order to determine exactly which backpack pocket works best for a passport.
Not until we heard our gate agent paging us throughout the airport did we snap out of it. We hauled ass to the gate, laughing hysterically because of our absurd behavior, because of the new life we were embarking on and because we’re crazy about each other.
Ha, I think like 90% of our arguments happen on travel/transition days. Something about lack of sleep, stressful and uncomfortable situations, worrying about catching planes and trains and tours… it just makes us bicker. I can’t imagine why. =P
And you’re so right – a good relationship takes work. A LOT of work. But it’s so worth it!
We now know to go in expecting stress on travel & transition days – makes it much less surprising when an argument occurs. No easier, but much less surprising
Yes, we are most likely to fight during transition periods. We had a rough time the first week we ended our latest road trip, just like we did shortly after we started it!
Phew… we are not alone
We only have to step into a car to start bickering. We usually end up laughing at ourselves though.
And arguing in a car is so dangerous
Laughing isn’t particularly safe either – it’s a wonder we’re still alive.
You guys are really such an inspiration. I hope some day I have a relationship as strong as yours.
I get asked the same question all the time, too – my husband and I have spent more time abroad as a couple than at home, and in all kinds of different circumstances. Before we left the first time, my mother in law told me that our adventures would either make us great, or break us apart completely.
I think it did make us great, really great, because now we know each other like the back of our hands, and how what to say/do when the other one is down. We don’t fight very often, and talk about everything.
But I’m glad not to be living in a 20 sq. m. studio anymore – that was hard on the nerves, haha.
How long were you in 20 square m. for?
Oh! I am always fascinated by your stories. But thats the essence of all relationships, there will be some fights along the way.
Loved reading the post.
Have a nice day Guys:)
I hear this! Meg and I are often cutting each others heads off and then being happy and lovey dovey right after. It’s awful at times but you’re right, it’s usually those little tiny things that end up being huge blow outs.
I am looking forward to new tests in our relationship as the joys and stress of full time travel take hold.
Oh, also, I look forward to us all hanging out one of these days soon!
We do to!
I think it would be inhuman NOT to fight with your partner, especially when you’re spending that much time together! I can see though how the patterns of our fights have been changing in the transition from the ‘old us’ (stressed & overworked) to the ‘new us’ (living the life we want & 100 % happy) – We’re much more relaxed now about things that would have led to a much bigger fight a couple of years ago
Another one of the benefits of pursuing fulfillment and happiness!
It seems like most arguments are about silly stuff. Looking at the big picture is probably a good way to get past that. Or having a wakeup call like nearly missing your flight.
I LOVE this.
Proof that traveling can strengthen a relationship. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to be able to share moments like this with someone I love (and not kill them in the process).
We had a rough time the first week we ended our latest road trip, just like we did shortly after we started it! Thanks that you’ve shared.
Yup Houston will do that to many relationships…lol. Awww y’all make me miss home. As for the post… don’t even know what to say y’all inspire me so much to do better. Y’alls relationship is a relationship I look up to and hope to one day have. I know I am in one right now & it’s hard cus I am away from him & know I wil be tested again once I go back because I have no clue what I want to do… I love both him & travel. I know he can’t travel… Anyway no clue how I made this comment about me…lol sorry. I guess it’s cus I miss yall tons and need a skype date soon.
Yep.. all that went down at your hometown airport
Sounds like we DO need a Skype date soon.
Transitions are so hard! I’m dying that that’s what you fought over… There are so many good tidbits in here. I bet you make the best amateur couples counselors for friends.
We’ll share the details of the arguments with you next time. They are hilarious (in retrospect).
I am one of those people who is constitutionally incapable of fighting–it’s no fun for me, so I just “don’t play.” Besides, years of motherhood have taught me that almost all irritation is because someone’s hungry or tired, lol. Best cure? a little walk, a deep breath and a cookie. Or at least a cookie.
OR someone has to go to the bathroom
It’s not surprising that arguments happen on travel days – there’s just so much stress and exhaustion involved which is always recipe for a fight. I think it helps to acknowledge that and realize that you’re grumpy because of the circumstances, not because of the other person. Also, taking some time apart now and then (even a few hours to do separate sight-seeing/shopping/whatever) helps to reinforce how much the other person enhances your travel experiences.
Many couples grow even closer and stronger while traveling.
You both inspire me so much and I hope that one day if I am ever privileged to be in a relationship again, that I care for my significant other as much as you both appreciate each other. I also hope that person enjoys traveling and will share it with me like you are able to share travel. I just can’t imagine living any other way, even with silly fights about what pocket to put the passports in
Yes, it’s true… all the petty fights are part of the deal and part of what makes us human. We learn more about each other every time.
No doubt you’ll find that guy to share travel with, and we’ll all benefit from the awesome pictures that will follow