Feeling Broken
I remember sitting on the predictably uncomfortable couch in my room at one of those godforsaken corporate-extended-stay apartment-ish hotels. I was just about to start a “dream” job, and I was miserable.
“What in the hell am I doing with my life?” I thought. I honestly didn’t know the answer.
I felt broken.
That was a horrible time. Back in that hotel room – I now know – I was blinded by my relentless pursuit of a templated life. “People would kill for a job like this,” I would think. I wondered if something was wrong with me. I wondered if I would ever be content.
The worst part wasn’t the situation. Rather, it was my inability to wrap my mind around what was going on – to see a way out.
I thought I was doing everything right. Earning progressively more responsible jobs, making more money, living the popular definition of the “good” life. I couldn’t make sense of the ominous cloud that was lingering in the background of my life. Despite a fantastic relationship. Despite great health. Despite having everything one could ask for and more. I felt out of sync.
“Broken” comes in all shapes and sizes. When you feel off, no matter how profound or slight, the only thing you can seem to focus on is the flaws. In a way, it’s almost worse when your version of broken seems insane. I mean, “I hate my highly coveted, powerful job!” doesn’t garner much sympathy from others. Again, though, it’s not the specifics of the situation. It’s the feeling “off” that matters. No matter what the reason.
I tend to think of this every January. It’s the month that, years ago, I was in that apart-hotel, and it’s during January that many people think about renewal and making life changes. I am glad that I didn’t turn to drugs or frat-like drinking. I could have. I am sure it would have helped (superficially, of course) to dull the mental anguish and temporarily take me out of my personal hell. To help me feel less broken.
Lately, thanks to a powerful blog post, we’ve been thinking a lot about feeling broken and those who turn to self destructive behavior. I think of our relative, Joe, a young guy who always felt flawed. He lubricated his life with pot and god-only-knows-what-else in order to dull the pain.
It didn’t work.
He died. Suicidal overdose or simply overdose? No one knows for sure. It happened on Caanan’s birthday.
If you are feeling broken – whether you hate your career, are in a bad relationship or carry more far-reaching pain – promise you’ll do this. Take one positive step forward. Just one step at a time. It’ll likely be a clunky process at first. Remember, if you knew the answer, you’d probably fix it. If you are at a loss for that first step, the best advice I can give is to talk to someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a counselor, a loved one or a stranger. Just reach out to someone you feel you can trust.
I got out of the weeds and away from that dreadful career track thanks, in large part, to a great partner. We talked to each other and took steps to each feel less broken (Caanan had his own version of “broken”). That’s how we ended up caring for ourselves as individuals and then building what is now this fantastic No Vacation Required lifestyle.
Now, neither one of us feels off. Thankfully, we reclaimed our mojo and each got our flow back. It’s not about “good days” and “bad days,” we each have plenty of both. It’s about feeling on purpose and worthy – a feeling that transcends the jolt from a good day or the smack-down from a bad one.
We want the same for you. For everyone.
Joe had reached out to us during a summertime getaway to Glacier National Park. Even if his story doesn’t have a happy ending, I know that the long talk we had during a picture-perfect hike was helpful. Like all of us, he wanted to be heard… understood. So he took a chance on us and talked about his version of being broken. I could see the profound relief – the weight lifted, at least temporarily – after that conversation.
We use Joe’s story, and each of ours, as motivation to help other people – no matter how big or small the backstory – to get back on track.
Talk to someone if you feel broken. Be available for someone who feels broken.
A truly moving post. I come from the same corporate apart-hotel background, and I have to say, that lifestyle is not for everyone. Even some of the people I worked with, who had made it right to the top, didn’t quite seem happy. There was always another rung to climb. Putting happiness at the end of a giant ladder is a mistake. We can all find happiness right now, we just have to make that conscious decision to look. Thanks for sharing this one
I think many people struggle in the same situation. (Actually, I know they do because of the work we do in HR). There’s a lot of shame around dissatisfaction associated with a job that society defines as wonderful. It’s as if – by being unhappy – you’re rejecting the norm.
Of course it’s not limited to jobs/careers. Any dis-ease – which most of us will experience at least once in life – that goes unchecked can easily turn into a much larger problem.
This post reminds me how lucky I feel to have people in my life I can talk to. People who care about me and want to help me. I cannot say I’ve ever truly felt broken, but we all have personal issues to work through at points in our lives. No matter how big or how small, I always feel better when I recognize that I am unhappy and make the decision to make a change. I don’t have to know the answer right away, but just knowing I am going to make a change makes me feel better.
Yes, comfort with change is a huge help. And that’s a perfect example of a critical skill that’s typically not fostered in life. Many many people are terrified of change and terrified of being perceived as “different” – a scary combo.
I know someone right now who feels quite broken and stuck. It is hard to watch. And I am not sure how to help him. I can be there but I can’t make choices for him. I am not a counselor. I keep trying though…
Thanks for a great post, as always…and the reminder of the things that matter.
Just being open and available is key. Sending that “I’m here for you” vibe that shines through without having to say anything is what matters most. Something tells me that you project that vibe very naturally.
My situation was – in the big scheme of things – small stuff (and effectively addressed before it became big stuff!). Feeling “broken” or “off” no matter how small or profound is not fun. We’ve all been there and/or will be there at some point.
We can’t (and shouldn’t!) make choices for people, but we can send that “I’m here for you” vibe that let’s people know it’s okay to have rough patches. With more openness and acceptance, maybe fewer rough patches will take severe turns for the worse.
Wow my dears. Another wonderful post, and one you know I wholly relate to right now. I have two possible directions, and both seem to be “missing” something. Something big. I’m so sorry to hear about Joe. You two have made such a difference in so many people’s lives.
It was great to have a chance to learn a bit more about those possible directions, Abby. I like the way you say “missing” something. I think that, too, is something a lot of people can relate to.
Thanks for sharing your personal story of being broken, telling us about Joe & offering inspiration. It’s not always easy (often terribly difficult) to get beyond the brokenness, but to “take one positive step forward” can show the way.
The most troubling part is that, when people feel that way, they so often feel alone or like they are the “only person” who feels that way. That’s a crappy feeling to keep contained inside.
Great post. Winter itself seems to bring out depression. Summer and good weather has a lot of opportunity to be happy with other things, while winter encourages inward turning self thought.
I’ve felt that “off” a number of times. I seem to break out of it and then stumble back into it. My big break was moving to Germany, which has helped in a lot of different ways even though I am back in the job track.
The best line in this is “talk to someone”, so I guess the best advice for the rest of us is “listen”. Amazing what this kind of closness and human connection can do to heal.
So well put, Andy – thanks! The power of a human connection is undeniable.
My husband felt broken for several years in his corporate job. He felt no sense of accomplishment or joy in anything work-related. He finally accepted he fact that “work” didn’t mean a meaningless career or a cube in an office. He is now happy, not “employed” and looking to start something he only previously saw as a “dream”. Great post!
So happy to hear that about your husband, Jules. Makes my day!
Well written, I never regretted having left my office job and will never regret not looking for one. Constant budget traveling is my luxury. Sorry for your loss, nobody should feel the way Joe did.
Thanks, Angela. (btw – We’re on board with constant budget traveling as a luxury!)
Love love love this post. I also wondered what was wrong with me, why I couldn’t just be happy like everyone else.
I think people are a lot unhappier than they let on and if everyone was more open about it we’d all feel less lonely.
Perfectly said
I guess I’m lucky I never had a dream job to have to worry about walking away from
Great advice though, it’s always sad when people feel stuck or directionless or feel like there’s no one to reach out to. Everyone can use a good listener once in a while.
Good, don’t get one (a dream job) – it messes with your head
Definitely something we’ve all experienced. It took me a long time to figure out I needed a big change and then even longer to actually do something about it. Great post!
Thanks, Ali – glad you liked it.
Love this post, thank you so much for sharing. I can’t say that I’ve reached the same Zen state you all have, but I understand the feelings.
We have not reached a Zen state, Matt
I think we all can relate to this whether we are the ones broken or its someone dear to us. It’s important to define what makes us happy in life and seek that out.
Sound like what you’re doing, Meg. Glad we’re in such good company!
As someone who has been broken, and still has a few of the scars to prove it, this post touched me deeply.
I was fortunate to have supportive family and friends who helped me, one step at a time, to get to place where happiness and joy fill most of my days. My life centers around the passion I have for travel and the joy of discovering new place and new things. And I no longer feel quite so broken any more.
And now you are able to be a source of strength and encouragement! Living from a place of passion is, in and of itself, a huge source of strength for someone who may not feel like it is even possible.
Being a living, breathing example of someone whose life centers around passion and joy, well – suffice it to say – that’s a big deal!
Wow I have tears… this is why I love you both. It’s post like this that have helped me follow my dream. I know how you felt… I was that broken as well… it’s a horrible feeling and I am thankful I had the guts to make a change and live the life I really want to live. I am sorry about your cousin Joe. I know for some it’s not that easy, but I have been blessed with so many amazing people I can talk to through out my life. I am even more blessed I have met y’all and we have been able to build an amazing friend ship!
Thank you Jaime. we feel very happy to have met you as well. We are proud of you for making the changes you’ve made and have enjoyed being a part of your journey, however small.
Great post. What is a dream job, really? Too many of us live our lives to make other people happy/proud ie: parents. It’s damaging, not for everyone, but most people I know. I think the most important thing on this planet is to just treat everyone with respect. Being kind and open to other people is true happiness for me. Anyway, thanks for this!
> Being kind and open to other people is true happiness for me.
We couldn’t agree more. We are each responsible for the energy we create in the world. And what we do to others we do to ourselves. So being a good, positive person is selfish in the best way!
You are so right. Living to please someone else or to conform to a societal definition of success – as we once did – can be extremely damaging.
I am so sorry to hear about your relative, that is a sad loss. You’re right, people just want to be heard and have a sounding board sometimes. It’s good that you were there to offer it on the hike.
Thanks Lisa. Sometimes, like in Joe’s case, that wasn’t enough. But we feel like we were able to provide some temporary relief – a brief moment of clarity. We honor that time and are very grateful to have had it.
I suppose the learning there is that being strong for someone is rewarding. Sometimes it is not enough, but that doesn’t mean that it is without value for all involved.
I think when we’re feeling strong we should be on the lookout for those who aren’t, because something as simple as talking to someone can be the hardest thing in the world for a depressed or troubled person. To be available and to encourage communication is a responsibility that comes with strength, I think.
I think you are absolutely right Robin. With strength comes responsibility. But that is not a burden – the ability to be a support for someone in need is a gift and incredibly rewarding.
This gives me a heavy heart. Hugs to you both, and I’m glad you found a way out from feeling broken.
Ah… thanks, Kristin. Glad our situations didn’t turn into any huge messes. I guess that’s the point…. it’s a slippery slope. What’s small can become huge in an instant.
This is a really moving post, guys. I’m sorry to hear about your relative that passed away.
I think everyone has that moment in their lives when they feel “broken”. I’ve had it before, and I’ll probably experience it again in the future. It’s all about fixing ourselves and working towards achieving whatever it is that makes us feel happy and “on” again.
I’m glad that you didn’t turn to drink or drugs and that you guys chose to build this life for yourselves – even if there may occasionally be a bit of alcohol involved since re-building
LOL, Tom! And thankfully a bit of alcohol can be involved from time to time.
What a powerful post. It’s admirable that you’re using the power of social media to send such a positive message. We really hope that those who are feeling broken will see this post and be encouraged to take that first positive step!
I think we need a retuning home broken travelers counselor.
Good lord it is hard.