What We Learned From Being (Legally) Married For A Few Months
We like to tell people that we’re as married as two guys can be. A few years back – when we were living in Portland, Oregon – our county (Multnomah) took a brave stand and opened up marriage to same sex couples.
Blown away, we were glued to the news. We watched as couples were hollered at, belittled and spit on as they waited in line to receive marriage licenses. We decided that it was time to join them in line.
We wanted to take a stand – to be a part of sending an important message.
We’ll never forget that frigid March day. We hung out in the bone numbing cold with other pumped-up couples and a lot of enthusiastic supporters. Honestly, the words and garbage being flung our way wasn’t a deterrent at all. Strange how, in those situations, opposition can make you stand taller in the truth. Marriage, as an institution, was never really important to us. Heck, we had our own version – the one that really mattered to us – several years prior in Costa Rica. This day in March was about doing the right thing and lending our voices.
Not long after, once all the dust had settled, the county got majorly beyotch slapped and all of us once officially married couples got annulment notices and a refund. Thanks for being a law abiding, tax paying citizen of Multnomah County BUT.
Why we took a stand (and continue to).
All over the globe, people are – by law – imprisoned or executed on the basis of their sexual orientation. In our own communities, people are injured, threatened, killed, denied jobs, and treated as second-class citizens for the same reason. It happens in your country, your state and in your town. Here, yes even in Seattle (SEATTLE for chrissakes), we get harangued by haters. Just a couple months ago, we thought for a second that some guys in a truck we’re going to pull over and beat the shit out of us.
It goes without saying that extreme forms of rage surrounding this issue are incomprehensible. The more severe acts lead to the more common, day-to-day forms of discrimination, and vice-versa. It’s a destructive cycle. Somehow, through this enduring pattern, people get the message that it is acceptable to marginalize entire classes of people for no good reason. There is simply no valid and worthwhile argument for denying equal human rights, not to mention mere civility, based on sexual orientation, etc.
The on-going equal rights debate along with our experience being married (officially married) for a few months taught us that we really have to watch out for how our fellow world citizens are treated. We consistently learn the same kinds of lessons as we travel the USA and the world. There’s a lot of bad stuff going on out there. All of this has reminded us of how critical it is to know what’s important in life – to be mindful of what we give our energy to.
Take a stand – send a message that’s important to you.
The list of human rights atrocities that occur around the globe is daunting. Young children act as soldiers in many countries. Woman are – simply because of their sex – tortured and murdered. Unregulated arms trading is responsible for countless human rights abuses around the world. You get the idea.
This week we’re taking off for a long string of travel. It all starts in Washington D.C. where we’ll advocate for the world’s poor. Doing things like this helps to keep us in-check and focused on taking a stand for what we believe in.
In a world full of mind-numbing white noise, materialism, celebrity gossip, etc., it’s easy to loose sight of those things that are most deserving of our time, effort, and mind-share. Yes, we talk a lot about things like “the kick ass run” “the awesome grilled cheese” and “the best movie ever.” Just look at our Twitter feed. We’re human and multi-faceted guys. Nothing wrong with that. But we’re very deliberate about where we put our real attention – the things we save the “big guns” for.
We want to have fun, but we also want to raise the bar – elevate the conversation – so that we can look back and say we stood for something and made the world a better place.
Are you in? What do you take a stand for?
*Sidenote: Being married for a few weeks also taught us that “havin’ that piece of paper” is actually pretty cool.
Bravo to you and I find it cool that YOU find the little paper cool. I have to ask one question out of real interest: what do you do when you visit a country like say Saudi Arabia? You could end up in prison or worse.I’m sure you wouldn’t endanger your life and freedom and make a stand there, would you?
Thanks, Inka! We’ll have to tell you about our experience in Zambia (to answer your question about Saudi Arabia).
I don’t understand how people can hold that gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to get married. I think that the people who opposed – or many of them – can continue with the hate because they are able to group all gay people into this one massive, faceless, nameless monolith. It is much easier to discriminate against a group than to the faces of real, living, loving human beings.
You telling your story puts a personal face to this issue. I can’t imagine how anyone who knows you guys (even just through reading your blog) can possibly say that you don’t deserve the right to live and love one another with the same rights and privileges as hetero couples.
On this issue – I stand with you. Squarely.
Great point about attaching a personal face to the issue. Lots of people tell us “Now that I’ve met you, I need to re-think my beliefs.”
I think it’s about those people realizing that we’re not so “different” after all.
Congratulations on taking a stand. The current environment of hate and intolerance — in the US and in other parts of the world — is just appalling. You put it very eloquently: “There is simply no valid and worthwhile argument for denying equal human rights, not to mention mere civility, based on sexual orientation, etc.”
Thanks, Glen – we appreciate your comment.
Keep fighting the good fight! There are far more people WITH you, than against you. The times, they are a changin.
Isn’t that the truth. Is does seem like we’re on a bit of a roll and that things may pick up momentum.
I admire you all so much. I read and see the news about this all the time. It break my heart the we live in America “LAND OF THE FREE” yet it is not for everyone. I am the type of person that I stick to my beliefs 100% I don’t care what others may think or say. If we dont stand for what we believe in we will fall for anything. I stand for equal rights for everyone and will not spend a dime of mine at establishments that may in return use my money to work against my rights.
NOH8 EVERYWHERE!!!
Love the line “If we dont stand for what we believe in we will fall for anything.”
Right on!! Best of luck in DC!! Keep doing what you are doing and what you believe in. I still shake my head that people deny civil rights based on sexual orientation. It blows me away, why? why? why?.
We are always looking for ways to take a stand and make this world a better place. Keep on fighting the fight. More people should be following your example!
Thanks for your comment, Pete. We appreciate your support. We’re excited to be in DC for a few days of anti-poverty advocacy. We plan to post updates here and on Twitter.
As a couple that’s often perceived as straight and cisgender (tho we’re not), we’ve very deliberately rejected the institution of marriage. Some ppl question how we can reject the institution but still support same-sex marriage rights, but it’s pretty straightforward: we can make a conscious choice to not get married because for us it’s a CHOICE — we have the option. It’s not a choice for all the LGBTQ couples who would like to get married but can’t. Just because I believe something isn’t right for myself doesn’t mean I would ever take that possibility away from someone else.
My rights end where your rights begin.
So while I’m critical of the institution (and one of the reasons is because not everyone is granted the same access or rights!), I wholeheartedly support and advocate for legalizing same-sex marriage. Thankfully, as Ken said, the times are a changin and we’re getting there!
I hear you! We fall in much the same boat. We’re not huge fans of the institution, BUT we hate the inequality more.
Here’s to change!
Seeing our LGBT friends lined up outside the county office to get married always brings tears to my eyes… the things that we take for granted.
Stand for what you believe in. We (and a growing number of people) will be standing with you.
You guys are an inspiration. So you really thought it felt different by having a piece of paper? Scott and I have everybody telling us we should get married and yet neither of us see the value in that type of marriage. We are already married in our hearts. Although, I may feel differently if somebody was telling me I’m not allowed to get married.
Thanks, Christy! We’re not big on the institution of marriage but something about having that “piece of paper” was oddly empowering. I guess it has to do with the extra dose of dignity and validation it provided us. And, yes – I think it has a lot to do with being told we can’t. It brings out the scrapper in both of us
Congratulations on your marriage guys, even if it was only officially recognized by your state for a short time. Here in California we’ve had a long battle, that’s still ongoing in Federal court right now. The couples who “legally” married in the few months that same-sex marriage was allowed were fortunate that their rights weren’t stripped from them, when Proposition 8 passed (banning same-sex marriage). The 9th Court of appeals said that putting a person’s rights up for popular vote was unconstitutional, but of course that was appealed… We’ll see what the Supreme Court says. The tide is definitely turning though
I think part of the big “wake up” for us was having it taken away. That was, really, an even bigger call to action. I remember thinking wow… they can just swoop in and take this away. What else can they do? yikes.
Best of luck guys and congrats!!!
Congratulations! I was raised in a gay friendly family so it completely baffles me that there are narrow minded people out there who have a problem with it. Theres a poster campaign around at the moment which I love, ‘Some people are gay. Get over it.’
I notice that this isn’t just about gay rights but about world rights and realising what is really important in the world. I think that travel really helps you understand this. When I’m back at home I find I get swept up in the unimportant issues like ‘who had an argument with who last Saturday night’. But theres bigger issues out there….
A big thing for us – especially over the last couple of years – is trying to be aware of what’s happening outside of our own existence. As I respond to this comment, we are here in DC preparing to celebrate International Women’s Day. Then, over the next couple days up on Capitol Hill, we’ll be advocating for anti-poverty legislation. It feels SO GOOD and it makes us realize how great the two of us have it. We have a lot of people that support us, and we want to pass on the good vibes to others.
Come to Canada! Maybe wedding bells at TBEX this year? :>)
Ahhh Canada – how we love you!
That’s a shocking piece of paper, and I’m glad you’re mature enough to see the funny side of it. I find it bizarre that in the 21st century anyone could really have an issue with same-sex coupes marrying. I do hope you get a new piece of paper soon.
Thanks. We definitely see the humor.
We’ll forgo the paper and simply take the rights!
For the life on me I can’t understand why so many people are anti-gay. It’s as crazy as classifying innie belly buttons as acceptable and outies as unacceptable bordering on illegal. It’s not like you choose to have an innie or an outie, right?
Anyway, good luck guys. Standing up for those with no voice is commendable. I applaud your efforts to make the world a better place and I’m so happy the two of you found love together. Keep up the good work.
You are a riot!
Now I’m so curious. Are you an innie or an outie?
They say that vertigo, rather than being a fear of falling, is actuallyl a fear of jumping. I think a similar dynamic applies to a lot of the homophobia out there. What people fear the most is within themselves. That’s why it’s scary.
Fair play to you for getting down there and getting your piece of paper.
I’m glad you stood up for what you believe in. I hate that we’re still so backwards about things like gay marriage. There’s just no reason for not having equal rights. I also think it’s weird that your county was able to go back & say never mind, you’re not married anymore, if it was legal at the time you got married. Looking at the progress our country has made in other issues, I’m confident it’ll happen eventually.
Being from Toronto, a city that welcomes all love, it’s so sad to see the struggle in other places. I really do hope people come to their senses.
Bravo for taking a stand and being open about who you are and what you believe. It’s important that people who are against equality (of any form) realize that they’re against their neighbors, coworkers and friends.
A little personal story here. We’re both Jewish. When we went to Sudan (a country that doesn’t recognize the State of Israel and until a few years ago where you couldn’t get in with an Israeli stamp in your passport) we were asked to put our religion on our visa application. We were terrified about what the reaction would be, but we finally decided that if we denied who we were by writing another religion then we were denying our existence.
My point is that by denying your existence you allow hatred and bigotry to continue. Personal relationships, I believe are one of the best ways to break down boundaries and stereotypes. Thanks for being open about your story and your pursuits to end the prejudices of our society. I hope we get to meet you guys in DC this weekend!
**Side note the piece of paper IS cool. It didn’t change our relationship at all, but it does pull a lot of weight with outsiders. It says to the outside world, if you mess with me, you also mess with him. It’s like a magic word.**
Having come from a very religious (pentecostal) background, I have been asked more than once why I do not condemn gays. I responded that first of all, I’m not God, secondly, why would I condemn someone for doing what comes naturally?
It’s not an aberration and when they make my day by saying being gay is a choice, I ask them when did they wake up and decide to be straight? Or did they just KNOW that they were attracted to the opposite sex? Well, guess what? It’s the same for gay people. I detest the fact that it is legal to discriminate against people who simply want the same rights that straights have always had.
Maybe, I sympathize because I realize how recent it was that I could sit wherever I wanted to, eat wherever I wanted to and live wherever I wanted to. Freedom is never missed by those who’ve always had it. I wish more people would realize that.
What a thoughtful comment Renee. Thank you! It really is shocking that the battle for civil rights was just a few decades ago. Not the 1800′s or the middle ages, but the 1960s! I think we – as a society – like to believe it was all so long ago, it somehow makes it something that we don’t have to fully own, like it is a relic of some much stupider generation. If only that were true.
We try to remind our selves that all of this progress is recent, and we are grateful for those who have laid the groundwork. For the civil rights leaders who stood up for what they knew was right. For the gay men at stonewall who said “enough.” And mostly for the unsung millions who simply make a difference by living authentically, despite overwhelming pressure to conform.
On the bright side, we have come a long way in so many respects. However, I think our progress to this point has simply highlighted just how much longer the journey is.
Kudos to you for making a stand in DC to advocate for the poor!
And bravo for standing up for WHO you are! I noticed that tonite on the O (Oprah) network, Lisa Ling has a segment on “Pray the gay away.”
It really chaps my ass to know that some fundamentalist believe that if one prays hard enough, they can change who they are. Denying who we are is in itself a sin, and I believe that religion (especially fundamentalist religions) is one of the major deterrents to being an open and accepting society.
We heard about that show on OWN – would love to see it.
To Jules….Amen! How can you pray away something that God created? I can’t imagine how it must feel to deny who you truly are…what a burden to carry……
Thanks guys. You’ve reminded me of rights that I often take for granted. I’m with you dudes.
Jason
So sad the way people are treated for just living their life they way they choose. If only people spent so much time and energy into worrying about how “perfect” their own lives are.
You are guys are so brave and I think it is so wonderful what you are doing for others. You rock!
You are ALWAYS married here in Canada. Heck, it’s even a two page spread in the current Toronto Tourism brochure.
Thanks for the reminder to keep fighting the good fight and focusing on the issues in our world that truly matter.
I’ve probably said this before, but you guys are awesome! I’m behind you 100%! Thanks for sharing your story about your brief, but happy marriage and for being such an inspiration.
you beautiful humans you! i can’t tell you how happy i am to know you. i’m so sorry that something you are so deserving of- the right to be married- is regulated against by fear, misunderstanding, and judgement. i take a stand for those rights every chance i get. i understand the difference with the paper- it does feel different- and not to mention all the rights you SHOULD have in relation to each other.
you’re such an inspiration for me! i’m working on a life plan that involves much more time taking a stand on things i believe in. thanks as always for the reminder of what’s really important.
and hey! i’m with raymond! i’m a reverend! i could marry you at TBEX
Living in California, the last couple of years have been a constant battle for Same Sex marriage and dealing with ignorant people. I will stand with you, for you, for my friends who were married (when it was legal) and now trying to save their marriage.
It only makes sense to me that everyone be given the chance to share their lives with a person they love- no matter who.
It really is hard to believe that in 2011 this is even an issue, especially in a country like the U.S. Hope you are able to get married again soon, and this time not only for a few weeks.
Part of the problem, to defuse hostility and gain more acceptance with Gay Marriage, is the sheer inadequacy of the English Language. OK hey back off before you accuse me of Gay bashing here- I’m not. Just listen to me out.
We have a huge range of words to describe gender and status- Mr Mrs,Miss, Master, Ms, squire, Lady, Sir, , Dame, etc etc.
But just one word-Marriage, to describe marriage which throughout the centuries means a union, either civil and or religious between a man and a woman.
Now from my point of view, the word marriage should not be changed, having been married for 39 years and valuing all the vows I made at the time. I just do not want to see that word changed because it means so much to me.
I wholeheartedly support any gay couple having all the rights, responsibilities and accountabilities of any married couple. We have several friends who are in same sex relationships so don’t think that I would ever want to discriminate against them or anyone else.
But why can’t we coin a new word to apply to same sex unions?
Can’t we show some initiative, and arrive at a word that suits that doesn’t threaten/change what many people want left alone?
‘Embrace’ springs to mind. Love that word. Means so much.
Personally, I love you guys…ummm, but can I just keep my word Marriage? Cheers.
Well here goes…I’m gonna hit submit.
I hear what you are saying – it is a sentiment that comes up from time to time in conversations we have with people. While I know you are way too awesome to be gay-bashing, I do take issue with the position. I appreciate the opportunity to address it.
From our perspective, the argument you present sounds like, “by making marriage more inclusive, it demeans or invalidates the word – and more importantly the meaning – for husband / wife marriages.” Of course, that stings a little bit. That view strongly suggests that there is something about Kent and I’s relationship that would depreciate marriage, if such a right were actually afforded us. Does that make sense?
Interestingly, Kent and I are not that hyped up about the institution of marriage. All things being equal (of course, they are not even close), I don’t know that we would actually choose to be married. The point is, we would love that choice to be ours and not up to the State or the Federal Government or “concerned” citizens.
There is another thing about the argument that concerns me. It is predicated on marriage being solely a biblical union and not a state-recognized contract. If the government wants to separate the “contract” of marriage from the “religious” aspects of marriage and call it “civil unions,” awesome. Heck, they can call it “XYZ” for all I care. But I want that to be shared by all couples. I won’t accept creating a separate class of marriages for same sex couples because sharing a word makes opposite sex couples uncomfortable. That is just not cool.
Can you imagine suggesting the same thing based on race? I am 100% certain that we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
“I won’t accept creating a separate class of marriages for same sex couples because sharing a word makes opposite sex couples uncomfortable. That is just not cool. ”
It’s not about creating a separate class. I never said that.
It’s about the limitations of English. Not about making opposite sex couples uncomfortable, or any perception the word Marriage is demeaned or lessened if applied for same sex couples.
It’s just that many do not want the word Marriage to be changed or acquire a changed definition. It has always meant a civil or religious opposite sex union and I personally want it to stay as meaning that.
English language is so limited when no other word is suitable to describe sex and staus of same sex unions. The term ‘civil union’ is just so damn cold, unfeeling, of judicial.
I see no reason why another word cannot be coined for same sex unions, as there are ample words in the English language that describe sex or status, but no other applies to same sex marriage. The challenge I believe is to evolve a new word that can aptly and warmly describe same sex unions.
As for equal rights, I’m all for it.
Evolve is exactly what needs to happen here and what has happened over time. Not that many years ago, the word “marriage” had a much different meaning than it does today. In fact, the traditional definition of marriage in the United States included a man of a certain race and a woman of the same race. It wasn’t until the Supreme Court decision in 1967 (Loving v. Virginia) that the US was completely free of this ridiculous definition of marriage. So the word has evolved, and it will do so again. And current marriages will not be in any way effected.
I genuinely believe you when you say you don’t want to create a “separate class,” but that is exactly what you are suggesting. Here is another comparison I could draw…
We should have separate water fountains for gays and straights. Same exact water, just a different fountain. What’s the problem with that? Of course, we both know.
All of that aside, I don’t believe this is actually an argument about the limitations of language. I am not so bold as to suggest that I know anyone’s heart, but I know this is not really about the meaning of a word. That’s silly – many people have been conditioned to believe that. It goes deeper – and until we are all honest about that, we will continue to have this superficial debate.
You boys have more rights than Jon and I do as an unmarried couple (despite the fact that we call each other husband and wife, we’re not, officially).
Totally respect that you like having that piece of paper but we resent “needing” the paper for the same rights and have our own little quiet protest going by not exchanging vows in front of a judge, JP or clergy. 11 years together and still in bliss…
Beth
(Sidenote: I think you missed the part where the state took the paper away!)
I understand what you are saying about wanting opposite-sex unions as an option – we want the same thing for you. Actually, the real point of the post is about the absence of so many forms of equal (and human) rights across the globe – not just gay marriage.
Regarding this specific issue… Unfortunately, the watered-down rights that you refer to (and, again, absolutely should have the right to choose to have) are the only option we have. Even more disheartening is the fact that the rights we have, in general, don’t compare at all to the more robust rights available (to choose or not) to opposite sex couples.
I get so angry when I hear things like this. I’m sorry they took this away from you, but you’re both obviously intelligent men who aren’t going to sit around and mope about it. Kudos to you for taking a stand.
What?! You got an annulment and a refund?! I almost laughed at the absurdity of it all until I realised that you weren’t joking, that this actually DID happen…I’m very lucky, I grew up in Brighton in the UK, a very tolerant and open-minded place. It’s only as I’ve grown older and travelled more that I’ve realised that not everywhere is like that. I admire and agree with your conviction for saving your efforts for the things that really matter – and for noticing when people are treated badly even when it wouldn’t have happened to you. Good luck to you both!
Yes, I think that’s been the big learning for us. Learning that we need to watch our for all sorts of inequality and injustice. We know what happens if no one says anything.
I think that it is absolutely stupid that you guys got a refund. Marriage should never be based on a person’s sexual orientation. The whole point of marriage is LOVE.
Too many people have been hurt or have committed suicide because of the abuse they face due to their orientation. Hate needs to be addressed more around the country.
It’s a shame that so many things are wrong in a country that is supposed to be so great.
i think people should spend more energy on love, and less energy on hate.
Good for you guys for taking the stand! But why was it rescinded and so quickly? Much as I love the idea of travelling around America sometimes I’m glad I don’t live there!
Wow man. Wow.
Exactly.
I got chills reading this. I am so happy for you both!! I know I am late in wishing you happiness and love forever but….. YAY for you both! I am sending you MUCH love! I am a huge advocate for same sex marriage. I am happy that you were both able to make that happen!!
I LOVED THIS POST!!!
Wow, Meg – thanks. Well, I guess this project – revisiting old posts – was worth it.
Hey Kent and Caanan, just read this news article and thought of you two — http://www.theage.com.au/national/world-champ-axeman-backs-gay-marriage-20110909-1k11r.html
Same-sex marriage is a big issue in Australia at the moment.